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By MP Dunleavy
If
you've never bought a house before, or if you're thinking of buying one now, the
main thing you need to know is how much it's going to cost you -- really
cost you. Not the asking price, not
the negotiated price, not what the combined assault of the down payment, closing
costs and moving expenses will set you back.
I'm not even talking
about those annoying "hidden" expenses that get bundled into your
financing, like last-minute pork-belly provisions that Congress slaps onto a
bill just before it passes: title fees, bank fees, filing fees, processing fees,
holy-cow-we-need-a-new-ashtray fees.
Even after you pay for
all of that, just when you're ready to wipe your brow and say, "Phew, I'm
glad that's over," brace yourself for yet another onslaught of major
expenditures that no one ever warned you about.
Lucky
for you, I'm here with the wakeup call and the numbers.
Get out your pen and revise your home-buying budget accordingly:
You've
got guests
The whole reason people
buy houses is because (drum roll) houses have more room!
Unfortunately this means you can now accommodate guests, and they start
coming out of the walls like cockroaches in a dark kitchen.
After the age of nine, most guests not only stop bringing their own
pillow and sleeping bag and Honeycomb cereal, but they also expect you to
provide the grown-up equivalent of all of the above.
For every extra bedroom you acquire with your house, you need to budget
for beds, sheets, towels, end tables, lamps and some meals.
Yes, even if you're using the den as a guest room, your guests will still
want all that stuff.
Total estimated
cost: $1,226.44 per bedroom.
'If
I had a hammer . . .'
Actually, I don't.
And that's the problem. Houses
require all kinds of fixing, and you need tools -- pliers, screwdrivers, saws,
washers, nuts, drills, drill bits, wrenches and a backhoe -- in order to cope. Why this isn't written into your mortgage, I don't know.
Don't forget the duct tape and a Swiss Army knife.
Total
estimated cost: $4,379.15
The
insta-repair
The minute the ink is dry
on your mortgage, something in your house will break.
It's an amazing fact about buying a new home, but few people acknowledge
it. In my case, the front-door lock didn't lock and the hot
water heater stopped heating the water, mid-shower, no less!
Maybe you'll get off with a clogged toilet, or maybe your garage won't
open. Just be ready.
And don't try to call the super.
Total
estimated cost: $25 to $15,000
The
grass isn't greener
The nice thing about
apartments is that you don't have to mow them.
Now I have a yard. And
something in it that looks suspiciously like a garden.
Back in the summer when I bid on this place, there were lovely little
wildflowers blooming all over the place. Will
they come back? I don't even own a
watering can. Or a lawn mower.
Or a rake. Or seeds or fertilizer or a shovel or a weed whacker!
Total
estimated cost: $1,500 for yard
equipment or $175 for monthly visits from a gardener.
Commuting:
your sentence
Gas, tolls, wear-and-tear
on your car, possibly a second car for your spouse, monthly train passes, bus
tickets -- it's not an insignificant amount.
In my case, my added commuting costs are equal to my property taxes.
I don't know if that's a standard ratio, but I wouldn't be surprised.
There's probably a Nobel Prize in economics waiting for the guy who
figures that one out.
Total
estimated cost: $4,080 a year.
Who
swiped my picnic table?
When you buy a house, you
may become unconsciously attached to at least one item that the seller is going
to move with him when he goes. The
real-estate agent should make you sign a form that says: "I know none of
these objects belong to me, nor will they ever belong to me, no matter how good
they look in this house."
For some reason, I was
sure the seller would leave the picnic table.
It was worn and gray, but it worked with the rural landscape.
I never dreamed he would want it for HIS new house.
Huh. He did.
The nerve of that guy. Now I
have to buy my own picnic table. And
an umbrella.
Total
estimated cost: $245
Driving
a 97-pound weakling
Before you buy a new
house, have a heart-to-heart with your car.
Can your car take the new terrain? The
longer commute? The comparison with
other cars on the block? No one
told me and my Toyota we'd need four-wheel drive on serpentine upstate roads.
No one mentioned that cruise control (which we also don't have) keeps you
sane on long highway drives. No one
mentioned how sad and lonely my little Tercel feels when surrounded by big
muscular Jeep Cherokees.
Total
estimated cost: OK, all I really
need are snow tires. $250
Window
mistreatment
I grew up in New York
City, where each apartment is allowed to have two windows.
Now I own a house that has like 38 windows.
Or something. I lost track. Point is: blinds, drapes, shades, valences, sashes,
tassels, shutters and all those window treatment things add up.
Don't get all gaga because your house has two-and-a-half baths.
Count the
windows. I
am currently shelling out enough money in curtains to fund a modest fleet of B-2
bombers.
Total
estimated cost: Several trillion
dollars' worth of chintz
Do
you speak kayak?
When you move to a house,
especially your first house, you're going to be in a new, often less-urban
milieu. What you don't realize is
that your new locale will come with a new set of recreational sports and leisure
activities you'll be forced to engage in. For
example, I will be forced to take up kayaking. I just know it.
In order to fit in and have idle chit-chat with people at the Bun 'n'
Cone, I will have to buy a kayak and probably a kayak rack for my car.
Not that my car needs any more problems.
Total
estimated cost: $3,260 (not including lessons)
New
house, same old stuff
The biggest financial
mistake you can make as a new homeowner is to believe that an empty house is a
fresh start. Um, no, it's just an
empty house, into which you will put your ugly old unsatisfactory furniture that
just looks all wrong. That's fine. Let
it look wrong until you stop noticing. Just don't slip into that automatic
default mode that tells you to buy new things to go with your new home and your
new life! That works with lipstick
and haircuts, but it's way too costly with dining sets.
Total estimated cost: Nothing, I hope!
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